This is not my life

Sometimes I feel that I want to shoot myself in the head. But I can’t. I know I can’t. What do I want to do in life? I want to be a theatre director. Not in here. I want to leave. I want to just throw everything away and start a new life. Why hadn’t I studied theatre at university? I blame myself and I will keep blaming myself for that. I am stuck in an office from 9 to 6. I wake up in the morning not wanting to go to work. Is it me only? I don’t want to think of other people. I want to think of myself now. I want to be selfish. Since I was a kid, my parents used to tell me watch out from the over self confidence. I am blabbering. But I like it. I know I like it. Someone can hear what I am saying. I can’t hear myself. Those noises. Those laughs. Why can’t I just have piece of mind. I wonder if I live on the moon. It could be quiet. Away from people. But I love people. My elbow hurts. It’s annoying. Everyone is talking. Staring at the screen and I want to leave. Where? I don’t know. I live day by day. Wanting to do things but I never do. Am I weak? I don’t think so. I am strong. But why? Why I am asking why? I shouldn’t be asking why. Do something myself tells me. But I still don’t. I know I should. But I still don’t. I wonder if I ever hit this guy. But violence won’t help. Physical violence I mean. My violence is deep inside me. My brain is angry. Or shall I should say my mind is angry. I am intolerant to things. Weird people talking around you. This voice! I can’t bare it. Just go home. Why are you here? I don’t want you here. We don’t want you here. But if you leave. Other people will come again. The problem doesn’t lie in you. It lies on the people here. They are irritating too. They can’t leave. They are here. It is theirs. It is not mine. Then I should leave. Back home? No! I don’t want to. They want me there. They need me. I want them and I need them. But I won’t. I can’t tell them to come here. It is better for them not to come. It is better for me. I keep talking to myself. Not outloud. But this inner voice tells me it will be alright. FUCK THIS… alright what? THREE FUCKING YEARS I am here and simply doing nothing. Had this false idea of being someone whom I always want to be. It is not true. The were lying to me. I am lying to myself. Now I have to stop. Stop dreaming and just do something. I miss you. But I won’t come. I will go somewhere else. It is a tough life there. I know. Well they tell me. But I know if I go it won’t be easy. I like hard. I like challenge. I like it complex. Irritate me and I will love you. Preassure me and I will appreciate you. This is how I like it. Don’t give me something to do. Let me tell you how to do it. I mean tell you to do it. I won’t do it. I am not your slave. I am mine. I own myself. I am not selfish. One day I will find it. That peace of mind. Take a stand. I don’t give a fuck about it. But wait… I can’t. Why? Cause I fear the consequences. I like risks. But I fear the consequences. I see myself the best. It is not me. May be it is me. Am I a loser? Stability. I am stable. Work wise but mind? No! I am not. Happiness is the key. I am not happy. I am laughing but I am not happy. Just fucking do it, my mind keeps telling me. Ok!  I am lonely. I see it there. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Cliché as it sounds, but I know it will be okay. He tells me it will be okay. She tells me it will be okay. I want to be someone else. May be a bird. Fly away from here. But where to? No I want to be me. The way I am. Stop telling me what to do. I know what I doing. I know I can do it. Don’t tell me what I can’t do. Not that I can do it but I can try to do it. Why people can’t be just easy to deal with? It is a globally obvious. Will I find the day where I find people sincerely loving each other. Hahaha There are people who are filled with love and care. They are the ones who are ignored. I ignore them. They ignore them. There is no place for them. But they are happy. Love is not firm anymore. What is love? And I don’t mean the dictionary meaning of love. Nor the feeling of love. There is nothing called love. There is an addiction. That’s what it is. An addiction. You think you feel it but you are not. You think you love it but you are not. But if I use the word love, then it exists. It is a human invention. It is not mine. Parental love. That is the true love. Mother’s love to her kids. There are orphans though. They abandon the kids. They kill the kids. They rape the kids. A one off. Yes it is a one off. But it happens all the time. Read the news. No I don’t read news. No point to read it. Bunch of people telling you what is happening around the world. I don’t care. Do I look I care? People dying, scandals, politics, economies collapse, what’s on TV! TV? Bunch of people fooling you to believe them. Is that art? Reality shows my ass. Is that real? What is real? Get a life. Don’t waste people’s time. Leave them alone. Let them sleep, eat and drink. Yes like sheep. Like animals. Just following without thinking. No opinions. Leave them alone. The 20’s. I mean the 1920’s. Or earlier even, that is a time where there is no tv. There are news. Important news. May be. I wasn’t there. I want to be there but I am not there. I still hear noises. Stop eating outloud. No manners?! It happens here. Only here. Bunch of idiots! Think they are smart but fucking followers. Following bunch of fucking capitalists who rule the world There are some good people out there. I can’t find them. They can’t find me. They are there. Be there. One day you could rule the world. May be I am dreaming. Sometimes I think I want to start my own country. Name it and tell people to come and live there. The people I hate! The people I can’t take. Just come. You will be happy. I promise you. Try it out. You will like it. Do what you want. It is yours. Once you are all there, I will trap you. I will cleanse the world from you. Everyone will be happy. You can be happy. Scared? Good! I want you to be scared. I am quite now. I am talking to myself. You can’t hear me. But you will hear me one day. You will see me one day. You will wish you have never met me. I am a peaceful man. I don’t want to hurt you. You make me hurt you. I am not at fault. I am happy that way. They are calling me. I must go. You stay there. I won’t be back. You won’t see me again. They will see me again. The good people. I am not talking about dying. I am satisfied. You are trapped. Yes you are. Look at yourself in the mirror. Hear yourself talking. I pity you. You don’t understand and won’t understand. I pity you. You are successful. I will be successful. I will get there. I will change the world. I will keep doing what I can. I will deliver the message. One day I may be heard. I am dreaming. I am not sleeping. I will go now. It’s 4:23 pm on an October Friday. Work calls. Fuck work. Fuck you. Fuck him. Fuck myself for not being what I want to be!